Posted by: Mark Haddon - Author, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, A Spot of Bother

(Swindon wins)

While I was writing Curious I had no idea that it would be published, let alone end up in a Faroese edition. It was my sixth adult novel (five remain unpublished, and with good reason), so I would keep my spirits up by indulging in the occasional fantasy of literary success. Writing my Booker speech, designing covers…

At one point, I remarked idly to Sos, my wife, ‘If it’s a bestseller, do you think I’ll get the freedom of the city of Swindon?’

She replied, ‘Not if they read the passage where Swindon is described as the Arsehole of the World’.

I told this story at the Swindon Literary Festival after the book had been published. There was laughter (thank God). Then, when the houselights came up for questions, I saw that the mayor of Swindon was sitting in the front row in all his regalia. His hand was raised.

The microphone was passed to him. ‘You have described our city as being like a lower fundament of the human body,’ he said. ‘If you were given the freedom of our city - and I stress ‘if’ - what would you do to improve it?’

It was one of the more difficult questions I have been asked.

I paused. ‘Well… I got here early tonight, as I always do before this kind of event, thinking I’d find a café and go over my talk with a cappuccino and a sandwich’. There was even more laughter (thank God). ‘So, I think a café Nero between here and the train station would make it pretty much perfect’.

Just before A Spot of Bother was published, I did an event at the Edinburgh Book Festival. I was asked about Peterborough. I said that I had spent one night there in order to check a few facts and added (unwisely, in retrospect) that it was ‘horrible, but not in a funny way’. I was perhaps a little harsh, but I think I could defend myself in a court of law. It has a beautiful cathedral and the countryside and villages to the West of the city are picture-postcard stuff. But the city centre has been throttled by a large car park and shopping centre complex which close down at the end of the working day (the same thing happened to Northampton where I grew up). I went into the city centre to get something to eat in the evening and found absolutely nothing, apart from an empty coffee bar which was, luckily, still open due to late-night shopping. I had my coffee and sandwich while they swept up round me.

A few weeks later, my quote was reprinted in a national newspaper (the name of which I shall withhold in case they decide to take the gloves off). For some reason known only to them, they added the phrase, ‘But the inhabitants of Peterborough are too lethargic to complain about the book’.

Peterborough local radio began a campaign to get the book banned from Waterstones in the city. The manager of Waterstones had to go on air to defend me. I had to thank the manager of Waterstones. I had to talk to The Independent who were running a news item about the row. In the article they wrote that I had been ‘quoted out of context’ (so now I know what that phrase means). The journalist Adrian Durham, who grew up in Peterborough, backed me up, saying, ‘I’d rather live in Beirut than go back’. Ian Hutton wrote to the Independent to say, ‘As an old Peterborian I would like to leap to the defence of Peterborough […] Unfortunately I can’t […] It now stands as an object lesson in how to ruin an historic city.’ Then someone from the local tourist office (I think) sent out a press release, saying, ‘Everyone is welcome to visit Peterborough. Except Mark Haddon’.

So that was my next summer holiday buggered.

Maybe we’ll go to Swindon instead.